April 16, 201016 yr There are two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
April 16, 201016 yr Anyone doesn't know the 80's will be lost by this one... Batman arrives a the scene of a crime but has left his utility belt behind. He picks up the nearest weapon he can see, which happens to be a vase. He bashes the baddie over the head with it yelling "Tapow......." The baddie rubs his head and says "Don't you mean Kapow?...." Batman replys "No - I've got China in My Hand"...
April 16, 201016 yr Forgot to take my phone out my jeans when i put them in the washing machine................It came out wringing
April 21, 201016 yr Paddy and Mick standing at the bus stop when they see a wagon loaded with turf drive past. Paddy says to Mick, you know what Mick, if I ever win the lottery, I'm going to do that. Mick says; do what? Paddy replies: Have my lawn taken away to be cut.
April 22, 201016 yr Well it came up OK for us with no warnings? We would not have recommended it if it did. Anyway for those not wishing to go there, here's the page.
April 22, 201016 yr Tom: Do you know the Alps, that is built by my great father. John: Do you know the Dead Sea, it was killed by my great dad.
April 22, 201016 yr courtesy of Bob Monkhouse - They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now.
April 22, 201016 yr In a small village church the bell ringer had just retired so they advertised a replacement. The only applicant was Bill - a man with no arms. Upon being asked how he would ring the bell, Bill demonstrated how - by bashing his head against the bell! The church was happy with this and so he got the job. One day, upon ringing the bell, Bill lost his footing and fell from the bell tower dying instantly when he hit the ground. A crowd gathered round, one man asking "My gosh! Who is that?". A second man replied: "I don't know, but his face rings a bell." (it doesn't end there!) Upon hearing of his sad death, Bill's brother Ben decided to replace him and take up his job as bell ringer. A week into his new job, the exact same thing happened - he lost his footing and fell from the bell tower. The same crowed gathered round his dead body - the man asked: "Oh no not again, who is that?!" The second man replied: "I'm not sure, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
April 23, 201016 yr A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
April 25, 201016 yr courtesy of Bob Monkhouse - They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now. Does he not say? "Now I am a comedian, they're not laughing now".
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