[notbanksy]

Hello all
I've just uploaded my latest site, and there's a fair amount of copy on the front page. I've had quite an extensive play with it, but I'm not very happy with it, so I was wondering if you lovely folks may be able to throw me a few pointers?
I can't decide whether it is too lengthy or not? The client gave me about twice as much, but I did encourage as much volume as possible so I'd have something to work with...
Please take a look here.

Thanks

[wizely]

It's written well (although the sentiment is a little vomit-inducing for someone as hardened and cynical as me!) - if it was me I would move the stuff about the work and displaying internationally to the top and lead into a 'My Story' section. Crafting some more sections, breaking the page up a bit with some headings will help readability.
For a personal story like this I would recommend using the 1st person ("I, me") as it puts distance using "Beth is".
Apart from that I'd put plenty of car chases in!

[notbanksy]

Wizely, thanks very much. I knew I could rely on you to give me some honest and useful feedback. Rewrite in progress!

[Alice D]

The site is about selling paintings/artwork so I would shift some of the words into the 'my story' page as suggested, and feature more images (be careful about loading times though!) on the home page. Part of why people buy art is to do with the artist and the provenance of the pieces, so it's a hard balance to strike

[Quimp]

Howdy!
I find the first sentence a bit too long; it looks like it travels more than Beth has! Also, my phobia of ands gets to a peak with this one :

Quote

She realised that painting and drawing what she knew and loved was integral to her path in life, and she found a sense of purpose.

The last bit seems out of place, but I really like how the first one flows.

And finally, here's one I'm really not sure about.

Quote

Her love of the natural world shone through in her work, and does to this day.

Would that be:
- Her love of the natural world shone through in her work, and has shone to this day.
- Her love of the natural world shone through in her work, and does too this day.
- ...but I might be wrong here. I'm just not sure about the message (I'm a native French).


These comments apply to individual sentences but you also have to look at the copy as one. Firstly, the heading "Original Silk Paintings" doesn't link well to the text. The use of a deck or sub-headings would help readability as wizely mentioned. Secondly, good copy is one thing but designing the copy's area is another. If you look at the copy and blur your eyes (your vision anyway!) you'll notice that the emphasis is vertical rather than horizontal. This is due to the word spacing of 13 pixels being greater than the line spacing (which looks like default). A result of this, readability is compromised. Eye movement is non-horizontal and "rivers of white" (shown in yellow) appear at some places.

I suggest you work on this before going over your copy. It will probably save you some time.


All the best,
Quimp

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